Saturday, August 21, 2010

How did we get here?

When Nifae got home from his first day of kindergarten Owen, Lilia and I all happened to be standing in the entryway. O & L were SOOOO excited to see N. They all hugged and O & L told N how much they missed him.

N came in and unloaded his back pack (Cry~ you used to call it a pack pack):
Coloring paper about the letter Red,
One paper for the parents and
One more paper letting us know he will be the first Special Star in his class. He and Owen both need posters and snacks for their class on the same day. CAN'T WAIT!!! hope I can plan it all out ok.

After the backpack was cleaned out, we sat on the couch and he gave us a run down of what goes on in Kindergarten. I clearly remember my first day in Kindergarten and it was so fun to hear my son tell me about his experience.
The teacher, the students, where you put your back pack, new rules, 'duper duper cool stuff' like Lost Teeth charts and Birthday Calendars.

Owen and Lilia listen to every word and had all sorts of questions for him.
Where do you sit?
What did it smell like? (Obviously that was an Owen question)
Were people nice?
Did they have snacks?
Did you miss us?
Do you have any buddies?

O & L started to argue because they were talking over each other. "Lilia was mostly just saying, 'Nifae, Nifae, how you? Nifae, Nifae, how school?"
All of the sudden Nifae turn to me and said,

"I think I need you to make me some toast and I need to go watch a show in the room cause my brain is super duper crazy right now. "


I just had to jot that down right away because I know I will forget it. I spent the day crying thinking about how we ended up here. My baby was off to school 5 days a week now.

I kept thinking about the first 2 years of his life. We were the bestest tightest happiest pair in all the world. We spent everyday snuggling and cuddling and I loved every second of it. Nifae was such a good boy and rarely gave us anything to gripe about. He would let me dress him up and in whatever kinda outfit I picked out. Usually I had him ready for a GQ magazine shoot when all we had planned to do that day was make Tommy dinner. little t-shirts, little button up shirts with the sleeved rolled twice, little shorts with teeny belts and a hat to match, he had 6 different page boy hats. Then I would spend time getting his dark curly hair all fancied up. He never complained a bit.
I remember spending than afternoon laying with him on the couch. He would put his cheek on mind and I basically heard every breath that boy breathed in and out the first two years of his life.
Although he was a very active little boy (his first word was "ball") he would still sit with me and talk for long periods of time. I think Tommy and I could tell you his every expression and conversation through out the day. When he would go to sleep Tommy and I would talk it all over again and try to plan out his future. All our hopes and dreams were totally wrapped up in this brown little boy.
It is fair to say that our worlds revolved around Nifae Aaron Pasi 'Iloa.

When we got pregnant with Owen I was so overcome with guilt thinking that I would be taking away love from Nifae or worse, maybe I would never even love this little baby.
Then all of the sudden my heart doubled in size and all 3 of us (Tommy, Me and Nifae) fell head over hills for this new baby boy with blue eyes. We all watched him gurgle and coo. He was rock solid and it was so fun to share this new baby joy with Nifae who was equally fascinated by him. Owen was a super duper smiler and just wanted to crack up any chance he got. That being said, he also HAD TO be attached to me at all times. Nifae was so tender to him and turned into this big helper that made my life with a new baby so much easier. I got to cuddle this new baby while Nifae entertained himself playing ball and starting his Hockey obsession. All our worries were put assigned because Nifae and O were friends from the start.
Tommy was working a lot, like A LOT at the time. He was trying (and was successful) in taking care of this family of 4. How did all of the sudden we become a family of 4? It used to just trip us out.
I was a total boy mom and loved that roll.

Before we knew it we were expecting a girl and I felt guilty again that I was cheating my boys. I thought they would hate having a girl and I had no idea how I would take care of a new born with a 4 year old and a 2 year old that took every ounce of my attention and energy.

Somehow~ someway ~ it all just happened. ALL of our hearts doubled again when we had Lilia. She was the topic of choice for all of us for a year straight. Her brothers coddled her and watched her every expression and movements right a long with Tommy and I. Our family was 5.

The 3 kids are so tight and don't enjoy being without each other for long periods of time. Life kicked up a notch when we got Joey, Tommy's nephew, early this year. My 3 babies spend many hours entertaining each other while Tommy and I tried to get our barrings with a teenager among us.
Joey brought so much joy into our home amidst a crazy whirlwind of family drama. He also brought a unique spirit into our home that changed our lives for the better. We started doing all the things we "planned to do someday" like family scripture study. Things that we had wanted to do for our kids but they were still pretty young (that's what we told ourselves as the years ticked on.).
The kids were so happy and excited to have a cousin living with us. Never a negative word has ever been spoken by any of them about the change in our home. He was a part of us and there was nothing else to it as far as they could tell.
New family dynamic, new home, new schools and all of the sudden as I am standing there in front of Mrs. Sorensen's Kindergarten door saying good bye to that sweet little baby that cuddle with me for hours in the afternoon sunlight.
Where did all the time go? How is he old enough to be away from me. It seemed like yesterday that he couldn't eat, poop, sit up or move without my help.
Now he can do it all.... without me.

I cried so hard today. How did we all of the sudden get here? I feel like I have spend days, weeks, even months on end just working on to do lists. I have tried hard to live in the moment. i have captured countless moments on film( err well digital thing-a-majigs), I have written many tender and funny conversations down to try to document this special time in our lives.
But still.... time just keeps flying by.
I still get plenty of cuddles from that sweet little brown boy and his squishy golden brother and his fluffy head little sister but time just doesn't stop and either do the to do lists.
I don't know how we got here already but we did.

I just want to tell this little family of mine how much I love and adore you. I don't want you to grow up but I know you will. So that is why I have all the to do list and expectations and that's why I yell and try to teach you stuff you don't want to know. It's my responsibility but just know...

That if it wasn't~ I would never yell and reprimand or spank your chubby little bums~ If I had nothing to be accountable for... just know~ that I would cuddle and snuggle you all day long and give you anything you ever asked for or dreamed of. And I would stare at your every expression and hang on your every word... cause I love you that much. I really really do... I LOVE YOU THAT MUCH!!!