Mommy guilt

I have been having a bout of Mommy Guilt these past few days.
I just found these pics on my phone and they made me feel a little sad. Not because they are sad pictures but because I see my son and what a very good boy he is, with so much happiness in him and.....
sometimes I am too busy to relish in it. Sometimes I am not busy at all but I act that way towards him because I want to focus on other things.
Lately I have been rushing Nifae a lot. He helps me immensely around the house. I am always having him fetch different things. A towel for the baby. My cell phone that is ringing in the other room.
He is so good and sprint though the house at my every beck and call. It seems I am always hurrying him along.
Hurry to lunch, hurry to eat, hurry to clean up, hurry for prayer, hurry to bed. I feel like I am always rushing him. He's not really a major dodder. I mean he is 5 so he has his handful of moments but for the most part he is on it.
Another guilt inducing thing for me is the whole... what-fire-to-put-out -first thing.
With a baby in the house her needs naturally come first. Owen needs came after hers and then Nifae's come after that.
At times he expresses his frustration. He is so good to hear me out and he understands why things happen the way they do. He does really well if things are properly explained to him.

He is the first born so I feel like it is his calling to be a leader and a hard worker. I always say that I want my kids to be hard workers. I think that is why I am the way I am with him. But sometimes I feel guilt about it. It's hard to teach your kids things. I would much rather be a fun kick back mom who if best friends with their kids. But if I were I would not be giving my kids the gifts I want to give them. Its a balancing act. Right now I have wobbly ankles. That's just a raw honest feeling coming from a mom with lofty goals but a tender heart. My family has always said I am too sensitive and my husband totally concurs.
Hey, I am the baby of my family so I think that comes with my birth right also.... RIGHT????

In the mist of all my teachings and guilt, Nifae continues to love me unconditionally. Even when I am grouchy and short with him. He shovels his love onto me.
I really just need to write down how much I love him and hope I am doing the best for him.
I hope he never doubts my love and loyalty to him. When I see pictures like these I wonder if I hug him enough or tell him how much he means to me. I hope I tell him how smart he is and what a good little worker he is. I hope he knows that I hurt when he hurts even when I don't show it.

I can't begin to imagine how our Father in Heaven sent his only begotten Son here to do what He did for us. Here
So much responsibilities fall on a first born son. A son that is so good an pure.

I hope while I try to balance teaching my son life's lessons and values that I am also taking care of his emotional needs. It's been a lot of laughs but a lot of tears over the past 5 years, 2 months, 17 days and 3hours of raising this boy we named Nifae.
It's hard being a mom. It's really really hard.




I Love you, Nifae!!!!!! I will ALWAYS ALWAYS love you!